


Killing me softly.

by CapriciousCrab



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Bars and Pubs, Getting Together, Getting to Know Each Other, M/M, Past Domestic Violence, Phil Has A Past, Scars, Singer Phil Lester, YouTuber Dan Howell
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-02
Updated: 2017-05-13
Packaged: 2018-10-26 22:15:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10795827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CapriciousCrab/pseuds/CapriciousCrab
Summary: Dan Howell only went to gather material for his next video. He never thought he'd end up falling for the singer with the beautiful voice and captivating eyes.Phil Lester never thought he'd be interested in relationships again and is stunned to find himself intrigued by the young man who blushes so easily.Can they build something that will last or is it just instant attraction?





	1. I heard he sang a good song.

_**I heard he sang a good song** _

 

~Dan~

 

   What the hell was he doing here? Dan lifted his hand to take a sip of his drink, a drink that had a ridiculous name. Honestly, it didn’t matter how many types of alcohol it contained, calling it Blurred Lines just felt like they were trying too hard to be hip. He had felt stupid saying it out loud and rolled his eyes so hard he gave himself a headache. But he had told his viewers he would give the place a try and so here he was, sat in this crowded piano bar waiting for the entertainment to start. Piano Smithfield was recommended by so many of his subscribers that he had decided to do a review of sorts. He definitely had enough material already and that was just the drink menu.

   He let his gaze wander around the room, reluctantly admiring the diverse crowd. Yes, you had your hipster groups here following the next great trend but there were also several older couples scattered at the tiny tables. There were business people here in their office clothes and others dressed more like Dan himself. The blend of voices lifted over the general pub noises while a thrum of excitement ran through the crowd. This guy must be good, he thought to himself. The sign outside the door had said his name was Phil Lester and that he had the voice of an angel. Dan's fans had raved about him so he was really curious to see if he lived up to the hype.

   No sooner had that thought run though his mind then the lights started to dim. Dan swiveled around on his chair to see two men walking on to the platform. One of them took a seat behind the piano while the taller of the two continued toward the stool set there. He was really tall, easily close to Dan's own six foot three frame. He sat on the stool confidently, no stage fright here. And when the spotlight came on, Dan's breath caught in his throat. The man with the voice of an angel **actually** looked like an angel. Pitch black hair swept across his forehead in soft fringe, highlighting his mesmerizing blue eyes. Sharp cheekbones and pale white skin made nearly translucent by the harsh stage lighting...he was stunning! Then he opened his mouth and started to sing. He had a deep voice, husky and sensual, that sent a shiver of awareness up Dan's spine. He sang for about an hour and Dan was mesmerized. As he looked around the room, he realized that the entire room was under Phil's spell. It felt like no time at all before Phil was announcing his last song for the night. He began singing again and when Dan heard the lyrics he felt a wave of heat sweep over his cheeks as he blushed.

 

~Phil~

 

   He settled himself on the stool, tossing a look back at his instrumentalist. Phil didn't play the piano himself so he always made sure that any place he was booked at was able to provide one. He was often asked why he didn't just hire someone to be his permanent accompanist but Phil much preferred seeing and hearing different people play. That was one of his biggest attractions to music, the way other artists can take a piece and put their own twist on it. Besides, hiring someone meant that they would be traveling with Phil and the thought of being together all the time with somebody like that? No thanks.

  The pianist nodded his head, letting Phil know he was ready, so Phil turned back to face the room.

  “Hey guys! So I'm Phil and I'm going to sing for you!” He laughed with the crowd, feeling the excitement start to build. “I have a few favorites that I want to share with you but feel free to think of some suggestions. I may not get to them tonight but you can always come back again next week” he said with a cheeky wink. “Let's get started, shall we?”

  He sang through his set and the people loved it. He sang a few of the requests and joked with the room a bit more, keeping the crowd engaged with his easy manner. “OK guys, last number coming up” He took a sip of his water then set his bottle down. “It's a bit unconventional but it's one of my favorites. Let's see how many people recognize the song, hmm?”

  The piano started playing softly, then Phil began to cast a spell with his voice. Smooth and deep, it had more than one person in the pub giving a little shiver at the sound of it. As he continued to sing he let his eyes wander around the room. It was a typical mixed group and he skimmed the crowd until he made eye contact with a man with beautifully flushed cheeks. Tall with wavy brown hair, his eyes opened wide as he stared back at Phil. Even as he watched, the man bit his lip, white teeth sinking into pink flesh. Phil felt a sudden surge of want course through his body so he kept his eyes on the other man's eyes as he continued to sing. _**“In your room your burning eyes cause flames to arise”**_ Phil let his voice slide a bit deeper with the next refrain, _ **“Your favorite passion, your favorite game, your favorite mirror, your favorite slave”**_

  He sang the final words of the song, the piano's last notes echoing in the room, and slid off of his stool. The room exploded with applause and Phil gave a little bow and wave, blushing a little at the praise. He grinned as he bowed again but kept his eyes fixed on the tall young man with the pink lips. He needed to get over there, had to talk to this man that had caught his attention so firmly.

 

~Dan~

 

  Holy shit, he could barely breathe. Did that really just happen?  _ He was singing it to me! _ , Dan thought. He was flustered and, as he soon realized, slightly aroused. His clothes felt too small, his skin too tight. He closed his eyes and took a couple of deep breaths, trying to get his wildly swinging emotions under control. He opened his eyes and saw him heading straight toward him. “Oh god, I can't. I can't talk to him right now”, he whispered to himself as he turned on his heel and headed for the exit.  _**  
** _ Something made his stop at the door and he threw a glance over his shoulder. His eyes locked with the other man's and the look of disappointment on his face made something flutter in his stomach. He almost reconsidered leaving but knew that he would be a stuttering mess if he tried to talk to anyone right now. So still holding Phil's gaze he mouthed “next week”, then turned around once more and left the pub. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. I came to see him.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One week later and Dan returns to the bar. Were those moments of attraction just a fluke or is it something more?

**~Phil~**

   Weak sunlight bled through the cracks of the blinds, illuminating the dust motes dancing in the room. Phil watched them sparkle like glitter in the air, sipping his coffee as he sat on the sofa. He was feeling a bit sluggish this morning due to the restless night he'd had. He kept thinking about the guy from last night, the one with those pink, kissable lips. Phil had been disappointed when the man had left before he could speak to him, practically running for the door. The only thing that had kept Phil from following him out had been the little look the man had sent him over his shoulder, and the “next week” mouthed silently. Phil was rather surprised by his visceral reaction to this man, to be honest. _It's been a long time since I've wanted to be with someone in that way_ , he thought.

   He got to his feet and took his empty coffee cup to the sink. He had errands to run and couldn't just sit around on his ass. He grabbed a change of clothes and headed to the shower, ready to start his day. He undressed quickly while waiting for the water to warm, dropping his clothes into a messy little pile. He raised his arms above his head in a full body stretch and smiled at the feeling of muscles loosening and unlocking. He lowered his arms and caught a glimpse of his forearm, his smile slipping from his face.

   He ran his thumb over the scar there, faded now into a silvery-white gash. Five inches long and ragged, it was a match to the one adorning his back. Phil turned his head and looked into the mirror, twisting his body in order to see. The scar there was worse, easily double the length of the one on his arm. A little over a foot long, it stretched from his right shoulder and angled across to end at his spine. It was just as rough looking as the one on his arm, the edges jagged. Phil hated looking at it, hated having such a physical reminder left on his body. He closed his eyes and turned away from the mirror, trying to stop the memories of that night from flooding his mind. “Stop Phil” he murmured to himself, stepping into the shower and under the spray of hot water. He couldn't stop the shudder that ran through his body and he scrubbed his hands over his face. “It's over. You're safe. He's gone.” he whispered to himself. He took a deep breath, practicing his breathing exercises, and felt the edge of panic begin to recede even as he felt a tear slip down his face. “I'm safe” he repeated, his voice wobbling a bit before steadying. “I'm safe”.

 

 

**~Dan~**

   Nearly a week had passed since the night at the piano bar and he had finally decided to stop procrastinating and film. He'd edited and uploaded the video before jumping in the shower, filled with a nervous energy, and was now sat cross-legged on his bed. He had hoped that reading a few comments would help calm the butterflies in his stomach but they were actually making them worse. His viewers were obsessed with this Phil guy and seemed to have picked up on Dan's reaction to him. He thought he had kept his opinion on Phil positive, but neutral, but the fans read him like a book.

 

“ **Dan says he sings like an angel”**

“ **Did you see his blush when he talked about Phil's voice?”**

“ **OMG, he's smitten!”**

“ **I bet he goes back the next time Phil sings”**

 

“Great job Dan, guess you weren't as subtle as you thought you were” he muttered to himself. Not much he could do about it now though, the video has already been posted. And his viewers weren't exactly wrong, now where they? After all, here he is getting ready to head back to the Smithfield. He **was** smitten! Twenty four years old and here Dan was, all nervous and flustered about going back to the bar and seeing the singer again. He'd laugh at himself if he weren't so anxious about it all. _I just want to come off like a normal guy_ , he thought. _Is that too much to ask?_ He was terrified of making an ass out of himself but he had said he would go back, so he would. He grabbed his jacket, phone, and keys before heading out the door.

Thirty minutes later Dan was walking through the doors, able to hear Phil's voice from outside. The place was just as crowded as last week and there were no tables left, so Dan ordered a drink from the bar. He stood there holding his glass, turning so that he could see the stage. Phil was once again sitting on a bar stool in the middle of the floor, the soft light gleaming off of his hair and those sharp cheekbones. His shoulders filled out the shirt he was wearing, ocean blue and buttoned up to his neck, accentuating his prominent Adam’s apple. Black jeans and a pair of Converse finished his look, which was casual but smart. Phil was finishing up his last song, looking around the room as he sang, when he saw Dan at the bar. His eyes lit up with excitement, causing Dan to bite his lip. He couldn't believe this guy was actually interested in _him,_ boring Dan Howell. He didn't understand it but he wasn't going to question it too much either...he just wanted to finally introduce himself to the man he's been thinking about all week! Dan watched as Phil finished singing his final song, hopping off the stool to take a bow and thank the crowd for coming. Then he was turning toward Dan, coming to him from across the room.

 

**~Phil~**

   He was here! Phil struggled to keep his voice steady as excitement rushed through him. He had been looking for the cutie from last week all night and had been beginning to lose hope, thinking maybe the other man was just too shy to make an appearance. But there he was, almost hiding by the end of the bar. He was holding a drink in his hand and when Phil's eyes met his, he once again bit that full bottom lip. Phil didn't know if the guy was doing it on purpose or if it was a nervous habit, but it was sexy as hell. _Get a grip Phil_ , he thought to himself as he finished up his final song for the evening. _Try to be cool, for god's sake!_ He tended to get a little enthusiastic when he was interested in something and he was very, very interested in the guy who came back. _Don't make an idiot of yourself,_ he lectured as he walked over to where the young man was waiting for him. He came to a halt in from of him and held out his hand, “Hi, I'm Phil”.

“I'm Dan. Dan Howell” he stammered, putting his hand in Phil's to shake. They both took a too sharp breath as their hands touched, cheeks turning rosy with mutual blushes.

“Can we sit? I'd like to talk for a while and get to know you” Phil asked, letting go of Dan's hand gently.

“Yeah, I'd like that”

Phil guided them across the room, “Let's grab that table in the corner. It's quieter”. He couldn't believe that Dan had come back, had agreed to sit and talk! “So Dan” he said, “will you tell me about yourself?”

 

 

   They spent hours sitting at the little table in the corner, full of nerves and excitement. Stilted sentences and awkward pauses soon flowed into easy conversation and shared confidences. Phil leaned across the table toward Dan, eyes wide with interest, as Dan talked about his YouTube career and the absurd reality of being an internet celebrity. Dan laughed about being hounded by fans-both online through social media and also in real life. Phil couldn't even fathom living like that, with admirers everywhere he turned. He might have felt dull by comparison had Dan not been so clearly impressed by Phil himself.

“So let me get this straight” Dan said, swirling the ice in his glass. He looked a little shocked as they talked about Phil's university days. “You have a dual degree in music _and_ psychology? And you want to become a music therapist?”

“That's the plan” Phil laughed, covering his mouth a bit. “I'm not going to sing in nightclubs forever and this will give me something to fall back on when I'm ready to walk away. Besides, I rather like the idea of being able to help people through music”.

“Wow, that's so admirable” Dan said, his eyes crinkling at the corners with the force of his smile. “So you're smart, talented, and sexy...what on Earth do you want with me then?”

Phil leaned forward again and said with a quiet voice, “I want to spend some time with the guy who blushes when I sing to him and bites his lip. I want to see you again Dan. What do you say?”

He caught his breath when Dan leaned in toward him and said, “I say yes”.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	3. In all my dark despair

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Date night at Phil's has Dan finding out about the scars.

 

~Dan~

 

Dan wandered down the street, smile on his face. His thoughts were full of Phil and the night to come. They had been seeing each for a month and tonight was date night. Their schedules kept them busy, Dan with his filming and Phil with his performances, but that didn't prevent them from spending as much time together as possible. Most times they went out, doing whatever interested them. They’ve gone to the movies, they've walked in the park, they'd even gone to a club and laughed themselves silly with their non-existent dance moves. It didn't matter to him what they did as long as he was with Phil.

 

Tonight he was going to Phil's place. He'd been there before, of course, but tonight felt different. Phil was cooking and Dan couldn't help but sigh over how romantic he found that. Maybe he was being ridiculously sentimental but he didn't care. He had never felt this way about anyone else, this rush of warmth he felt when he thought of Phil. _I'm in love,_ Dan thought, as he made his way up the stairs to Phil's flat, _and I'm going to tell him tonight_. He knocked on the door and gave a little sigh when Phil opened it, that stunning face full of welcome. Those blue eyes were bright with happiness and a smile stretched his full lips.

 

“You're finally here!” Phil laughed as he reached for him, pulling him into his arms for a tight hug. He slid his hand down Dan's arm, entwining their fingers as he tugged him into the apartment. That was one of the things he loved about Phil, his unabashed enjoyment of touch. With soft kisses and gentle hugs, fingers ghosting across his skin or through his hair, Phil showered Dan with affection and Dan absorbed it like parched grass in the rain.

 

“C'mon, dinner is almost ready. Go sit at the table and I'll bring you a glass of wine.” he said over his shoulder as he moved into the kitchen.

 

Dan took a moment to hang up his coat before taking a seat. His eyes wandered the room as he did, taking in all the little details that made an average flat into a home. Phil's personality was apparent everywhere, from the Tetris lamp set on an end table to the plants scattered throughout the place. Warm colors and soft materials seemed to reflect his gentle nature while the quirky touches displayed his playful side. He took a seat right as Phil came back holding a stemless wineglass filled with a rich, red wine. He set it in front of Dan, leaning down to give him a quick kiss before heading back into the kitchen.

 

“I'm bringing our plates out now, can you light the candles for me please?” Phil asked. Dan stood and lit the candles then dimmed the lights as well.

“Phil, can I help with anything?” Dan moved toward the kitchen, ready to help.

Phil came back out carrying two plates and set them on the table before turning to Dan. “It's already ready” he said with a smile. “All you have to do is enjoy”.

“Dinner looks and smells great! Thank you cooking for us” Dan picked up his wine glass and rotated his wrist, watching as the ruby colored wine swirled inside. He paused before asking, “So why are you sitting so far away from me?” He lifted his head and looked across the table, locking eyes with the man he'd been infatuated with since the first time he saw him.

“Because I want to watch your face in the candlelight. You're so beautiful Dan” Phil said.

 

~Phil~

 

Phil watched as Dan's cheeks flooded with color, his mouth parting in surprise. _He has no idea how attractive he is,_ Phil thought as he sipped his wine. He watched as the soft light flickered over Dan's face, accenting his warm brown eyes and soft lips. It teased out a few golden highlights in his wavy hair, resulting in a soft glimmer that surrounded him. He watched as Dan blushed and fidgeted, his lips quirking up into a small smile. He didn't want Dan to be uncomfortable so he turned the conversation, asking him about his latest video. He loved hearing him talk about his video ideas and everything that went into making them. Dan clearly enjoyed his YouTube career and everything that came with it-the fans, the conventions, the travel. He soon had Phil laughing at some piano teacher story, eyes sparkling with laughter.

 

“Dan, you should make that your next video” he said as he wiped away his tears of laughter. “My stomach hurts from laughing so hard”. They had finished eating dinner by now, so Phil stood to gather the plates. “I'm just going to wash these really quick. Why don't you find something to listen to?”

 

He carried the dishes to the sink and started running the water, giving them a rinse before placing the stopper into the drain. As the sink filled he added a bit of detergent, causing a mountain of bubbles to form. Phil began pushing up his sleeves, tossing an uneasy look over his shoulder as he did. He hadn't let Dan see his scar, always careful to wear long sleeves around him. _I'm not ashamed of it_ , he thought as he began washing the plates. There just hasn't been the right time to tell him. _There's been plenty of times you could tell him._ Great, now he was arguing with himself.

 

“I'm just not ready” he muttered to himself, rinsing suds off the now clean plate.

 

“Ready for what?” came a voice from the doorway. Phil spun around in surprise, the plate slipping from his hands to crash on to the floor. He stood frozen in front of the sink trying to resist the urge to cover his arm, knowing that would just bring Dan's attention to it. _Please don't notice, please don't,_ he pleaded silently. He knew his pleas went unanswered as he watched Dan's eyes arrow down and focus on his scar. Before Dan could say anything Phil knelt down to pick up the pieces of the dinner plate that had smashed into a million pieces. Then Dan was kneeling too, helping him gather the shards of brightly colored ceramic. Phil chanced a glance up and met Dan's eyes, unable to ignore the silent question in them.

 

“Are you ok? You didn't get cut anywhere?” he asked Phil, standing to place the pieces he had gathered into the trash.

“No, I'm fine” Phil answered, brushing his hands against his pants. He began to roll down his sleeves, hoping Dan wouldn't ask any more questions. Then he felt Dan's hand on his, stopping him from covering the scar.

“Phil, I don't want to pry. And you don't have to answer if you aren't comfortable...but the scar. Is that the reason you never wear short sleeves?” Dan had moved closer, taking hold of Phil's hands and rubbing circles on the backs with his thumbs. He knew he could feel the tension in Phil's body, muscles tight and shoulders drawn up protectively.

 _There's nothing to do now but tell Dan the truth_ , Phil thought to himself. “Let's go sit on the sofa and I'll tell you the story” he said, removing himself from Dan's hold. “I'll bring our wine”.

 

They made their way to the lounge and sat down, shoulders and knees touching. Phil took a healthy drink of his wine and swallowed heavily before turning his body to face Dan. He didn't know exactly how to say it so he just blurted out “I was involved in a domestic violence incident”.

 

 

~Dan~

 

He looked at Phil sitting next to him, his face pale as he told Dan how he had gotten the ragged scar on his arm. He thought maybe he'd been in an auto accident or something like that and almost couldn't comprehend the fact that someone had attacked **his** Phil. Phil, with his sweet and sunny disposition, had been intentionally hurt by someone who was supposed to care about him.

 

Phil sat up a bit straighter and said “I didn't tell you about it because there's no easy way to say 'by the way, I was attacked by my ex'. I was going to tell you soon”. He looked down into his lap, whispering “I was afraid you would think I was weak or broken. But I'm not” His eyes shot up to meet Dan's, filled with strength.

 

He reached out for Phil's hand, giving it a small squeeze for comfort. “Can you tell me now Phil? Are you comfortable with sharing this with me?” Phil gave a tiny nod and began talking, shifting a little bit closer to Dan as if seeking shelter. Dan listened as he told him about his ex-boyfriend Liam, how things had been good between them in the beginning. How Liam began to get more possessive, more jealous, more angry about Phil's career as time went by.

 

“Liam had come home drunk that night” Phil said, face still pale but composed. “He started ranting about me singing in clubs, about flirting with other people. He had gotten another bottle of beer out of the fridge and was swinging it around while he yelled”.

 

He scooted closer to Phil, putting his arm around him when he saw that he was shaking slightly. He tipped his head down so he could rest it on Phil's shoulder, nuzzling his face into Phil's neck.

 

He heard Phil take a deep breath before continued, “He was spilling beer everywhere, making a mess, so I yelled at him to put the damn bottle down. He looked at me Dan, and his eyes were so empty! Then he swung his arm up over his head. I didn't understand what was going on at first but instinct made me throw my arm over my face. The bottle came down and shattered against my arm before cutting it.”

 

Dan's throat felt tight as he tried to comfort him. “Phil, I'm so sorry...”

 

Phil cut him off, “Wait Dan, there's more”. Another deep breath. “It didn't hurt at first, my arm. I was bleeding so I was trying to hold the edges closed. Then I saw him raise the broken bottle again and I tried to run. I was only able to turn my body a bit before he hit me with it. The glass caught on my shoulder and as I continued to turn, it tore across my back”.

 

Phil kept talking, telling me how the neighbors had heard them having a domestic and called the police. They had gotten there just after Phil was able to lock himself in the bathroom, carting Liam off to jail and Phil off to the A&E. Phil got eighty five stitches,sixty in his back and another twenty five in his arm, while Liam got two years for assault.

 

“I got a letter from the court last week, Liam is due to get out of jail soon. I'm not afraid of him coming after me but I've been...unsettled” said Phil as he rested his head on Dan's. “I was afraid of your reaction, afraid that you would think I was broken”.

 

Dan sat up to look Phil right in the eyes. “I would never think you were broken Phil! You're the strongest person I know”. He leaned forward and brushed Phil's lips with his own, a brief but heartfelt kiss. He pulled away, ignoring his quiet whine. “Will you show me your back Phil? Will you let me see?” he asked softly. He didn't want to push him but he wanted Phil to know that the scars didn't matter to Dan.

 

Phil dropped his hands to the hem of his shirt and pulled it up and over his head, letting it fall to the floor. He turned so Dan could see his back, fingers clenching into nervous fists. Dan lifted his hand and rested his fingertips on the top of the scar before tracing the entire length, ending at Phil's spine. Phil was still tense so Dan placed a small kiss on the most ragged part of his scar before hugging him tight.

 

“I love you Phil” he whispered into Phil's ear, causing the other man to give a little shiver as goosebumps raised up over his arms. “I'm so sorry that happened to you, sorrier than I can ever express. I love you and your scars don't change how I feel”.

 

Phil was still facing away from him, silent except for his heavy breathing. He turned his head, looking back at Dan from over his shoulder, those blue eyes bright once again. He stood and held out his hand to Dan, pulling him up from the sofa. Once Dan was standing, Phil pulled him in for another tight hug.

“I love you too Dan. So much. You make me feel safe and happy” he whispered back. “Will you take me to bed?”

 

Dan rested his forehead against Phil's for a moment, overcome with emotion, before letting Phil lead him to his bedroom. _He loves me_ , he thought, _and I love him. We're going to be so happ_ y.

 

 

Later that night as they cuddled together underneath the bedding, Dan looked at Phil and said, “I'm so glad I went to that piano bar”.

Phil leaned over and kissed him softly before saying “I'm so glad you came back”.

 

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
